17 Warning signs that your girlfriend is a complete Psycho

Have you ever dated a woman, and thought that this person was perfect? You thought that you hit the jackpot. Beautiful. Strong. Smart. Why is this person still single? The first two months are awesome. Lots of laughs. Spending every possible second together. Silly nicknames and tickle fights. Ahhhh… good times. Slowly though, things start to change. You start to notice little signs that your dream girl is becoming something else. Something a little abnormal. Here are some signs to look for, in order to determine if your girlfriend is a potential psycho. (Warning, do NOT read these aloud, in front of her... This will only accelerate the transformation from "normal" to a full-blown Psycho-Chick)

Yellow Flags: These are the subtle and awkward actions that you notice (usually in the beginning) , but sometimes ignore… because the girl is really cute… or you believe that these things will eventually get better.

Jealousy: Ok, obviously a little jealousy in relationships is healthy. Right? But, you have to carefully gauge your jealous partner... There is a thin line between healthy jealousy and vehicular manslaughter.

Gives you a fake name, or age: Ok, a lot of normal women give out fake names. I get it. This behavior gets a flag because of the deception involved. I mean, if you met a nice lady in a nightclub or bar… and you talk for 5 minutes, and she tells you that her name is Lady Gaga… then for all rhyme and reason her name can be Lady Gaga, but if you go on more than two dates with this person and she is still calling herself Lady Gaga, then you might wanna check her ID. You don't wanna be the last one to find out your new girlfriends real name. It just looks bad.

How many cats, is too many?

Owns multiple cats: This one is HUGE, because more than one cat in any household is kinda creepy, even when the house is filled with kids. But, to come to a woman's apartment, and find out that she has 2+ cats living there... and, according to her they "act like people, and have very different personalities" is bizarre at best. This behavior is increased to red, if the number of cats exceeds 5. (Other animals of concern are, ferrets, bunnies, and sugar-gliders)

Accuses you of sleeping with women that are completely out of your league: This is tricky, because this always starts out as a game or teasing. Be careful though. It's all fun and games until the psycho stops laughing. All of a sudden your being accused of sleeping with everyone from Tinkerbell to Michelle Obama. Be careful with this one, or you might find yourself in a conversation like this:

Sample Conversation:

"Why are you always listening to Beyonce?" Says Psycho-chick666

"Because I like Beyonce." Says Dotcom3728

"Hmmmm…" says Psycho-chick666

"Whats wrong?" says Dotcom3728

"Are you sleeping with Beyonce?" Says Psycho-chick666

"Definitely not." Says Dotcom3728

"Liar."Says Psycho-chick666

Lorena Bobbitt (1994)

She still thinks that the Lorena Bobbitt incident was funny: Now, we all laughed when we heard the story about the young lady who had enough of her abusive husband, and decided that she was gonna leave him, but before she left, she decided to cut off his "junk" and threw it out of her car window. Luckily police found it on the side of the highway, and doctors stitched it back on. This story was so bizarre that it had to be funny. After the laughs and the jokes stopped… people saw the EXTREME brutality that went into this crime. The psycho girlfriend is still laughing at this incident, and she may have playfully mentioned WHAT SHE WOULD HAVE DONE, if she were Lorena Bobbitt. Be very careful with this one, and sleep on your stomach.

Gets annoyed by the sound of your laugh: Have you been out with a bunch of friends, and you bring this potential psycho with you. You and the guys are having a few drinks, followed by a few laughs. You are enjoying yourself… and then mid-laugh you look over at Psycho-Chick and she is looking directly at you with a scowl that could melt ice. You ask her what is wrong, but she can't say "your laughing pisses me off." So, she makes up an excuse like, "The music is too loud, or I have a headache." Night over. Operation "Fun" has been cancelled.


Orange Flags: These warning signs are a little bit more intense, but are still dancing on the line of sanity

She hates all of your friends: This is a kinda touchy area, because sometimes our friends are a little brass, or awkward… and what girl wants to spend her Saturday nights hanging with guys who fart and belch all night. The problem with the psycho chick is… she hates ANYONE that you like. She hates your friends. Your family. Your dog. And, even your imaginary friend Paco who you haven't talked to since you were six years old.

She wants to know where you are all the time. Now, there is nothing wrong with knowing your partners schedule. Everyone knows what time their partner goes to work, and what time they get off. We all have a pretty good idea where are lovers are. But, the Psycho chick takes this to the next level. Like she wants to know why it took you eight minutes to get home from work, when it usually only takes you four.

Cyber Stalks you: Breaking into your email, and Facebook accounts. Going through your cellphone's call history, voicemail, and text messages. They will use excuses like, "If you have nothing to hide, then it doesn't matter." If only this were true, but when you are dealing with a psycho-chick, everything is suspicious.

Sample Conversation:

"Ummm… why did you call your mom, like five times last week?" says Psycho-chick666, while going through your cellphone

"Because she is my mom, and I love her." says Dotcom3728

"That's sick. I'm deleting her number. You guys talk too much." says Psycho-chick666

"Why would you do that?"says Dotcom3728

"I'm doing you a favor, Momma's Boy." Says Psycho-chick666

Charlize Theron in Monster (2003)

Her favorite movie is Monster. OK. I know Monster is a great movie, and Charlize Theron plays the role to perfection. BUT, the psycho-chick is NOT watching this movie… the psycho-chick is LIVING this movie. I compare this to when a six year old watches SUPERMAN for the first time. Do you REALLY wanna spend the rest of your life with someone who's favorite movie is about a serial killing, prostitute, who spent her last days on Death Row? Me either.

Gets mad at you because she had a dream that you were unfaithful. This one is funny, until you actually find yourself in this situation. I believe that most people have dreams, and in these dreams, crazy things happen. In one of my craziest dreams, I was in the jungle, riding a white unicorn, wearing nothing but a football helmet and ankle socks. Like most people, I understand that this was a dream, and unicorns don't exist in nature. But, when psycho-chick has a dream, she see's it as a premonition. A sign that you are either thinking about cheating, or you are currently involved with someone else.

Sample Conversation:

(Psycho-chick666 wakes up screaming at 4:20am)

"Whats wrong?" says Dotcom3728

Psycho-chick666 stares at Dotcom3728.

"Well, I had a dream that you were CHEATING on me with Beyonce. This is the third time this week, so it MUST be true." says Psycho-chick666

"Definitely not" says Dotcom3728

"Liar." says Psycho-chick666


Red Flags: At this point, your pretty sure that your dealing with an 'unusual' individual. Red Flags are unmistakable signs that you may be dating a true psycho.

Slashes your tires in the worst possible location: If your dealing with a true psycho, at some point she is gonna feel the need to slash your tires. It's a psycho thing. It's like when a snake feels the need to shed is skin in the summer. A normal chick will simply slash your tires in your driveway, and run away… but NOT the psycho-chick. Psycho-chick will wait until you are in the world's worst neighborhood, or as far way from home as you could possibly be. Then she will strike. And, psychochick makes it a point to slash all four tires… and the spare.


Calls your job and your immediate family just to tell them that you suck: This usually comes right after one of the many break-ups that you will have with the potential psycho-chick. She will feel the need to damage your reputation, going on a 15 minute rant to your Boss, about how you can't be trusted to work at McDonald's because your secretly having an affair with Beyonce. Needless to say, this action damages her own reputation more than it does yours.

Destroys most prized possessions: Ok, everyone knows that men have a lot of material or prized possessions. Men love large and expensive electronics. Cars. Rare collectibles. And, psycho-chick understands and keeps a record of all the possession that give you joy. It could be something as simple as the blanket that your sweet old grandma knitted for you when you were a baby. Nothing is safe. When the psycho-chick reaches her boiling point, make sure that anything that you can't live without is safely packed away in a storage shed. Psycho-chick knows that you don't care about your 120 Dvd collection, so she destroys your Joe DiMaggio's Autographed baseball, while you are at work.

Stabbed, or injured a previous boyfriend: Ummmmm… history often repeats itself. Music. Fashion. Psycho's stabbing their boyfriends. If at any time during any conversation, a woman tells you that she has stabbed a previous lover… just stand up and walk out immediately. This flag is SO red, that it should be maroon, or burgundy. They will always justify the action by claiming that the last boyfriend deserved to get stabbed. I will even go as far to say, that if your girlfriend has ever stabbed ANYONE, (friends, family, strangers) then this should be a red flag.

5+ voice mails, 10+ missed calls, 20+ unreplied text messages: This is called the 5-10-20 rule, and it goes like this. If you receive 20 unanswered text messages, 10 missed calls, or 5 voicemails from psycho-chick then you understand how her mind works. Instead of calling and leaving one message, and or a text message …. she frantically calls over and over again until you answer… each time becoming more and more upset.

Sample Conversation:

Voicemaill #1: "Hey Babe, pick up some toilet paper on the way home. Love you."

Voicemail #2 "Hellooooooooo??"

Voicemail #3 "Why do you have a phone, if your not gonna answer it?"

Voicemail #4 "Hey Stupid. Toilet Paper."

Voicemail #5 "What the %$!*%$&@^#!!!??"

Puts a brick through your windshield while you're inside the car: Is this really a warning sign? The second someone picks up a brick, and hurls its through glass... All psycho-suspicion is confirmed. This is a no-brainer.... and im sure that by the time you reach this level, you have already filed all the necessary paper work for legal break-up. Putting a brick through someones windshield is one of the most psychotic things you can do. Especially if the other person is still in the car. This is another one of those flags where, i hope the breakup ball is already rolling, because this situation is gonna get a lot worse before it gets any better.